Relationship

Why do two people live together? This question came up
today when my friend had some issues with his spouse.

The framework Martin Buber created in his famous book I and Thou in the 1920s is one way to treat the subject. Most of the time we are living in an I—It relationship with our world. The world around us has some purpose for us. We have created names (labels) and categories for various items, things, and actions around us. We have a perception of them and we think (i.e., we think we know) what they are. This works OK with ordinary functions and items but not so well with people. Still, most of the time we treat people like things. They serve a purpose for us.

Another relationship is possible and this is I—Thou way of being in the world. We do not try to categorize or label the other. We admit that we cannot know the other person entirely, not even talking about changing him or her. In addition, we are constantly changing, which means that nothing is static (i.e., our thought model will not be realistic). In an I— Thou relationship, we do not have any purpose, function, or "image" of the other person in our mind. We simply take the other as "fresh," how she or he appears and is. We both are what we are and discover each other every moment. This relationship can be achieved via a dialogue. In dialogue, both parties share and contribute by creating something between them that has no preconditioning or any expectations.

Quite a lot of marriages end up in divorce nowadays. We often hear couples explain the reason for the split as the other party changed or the couple just drifted apart over time. This could not happen in an I—Thou relationship where someone is not trying to get something from the other party. Nor is there any attempt to change or try to define the other person. When we create an image of the other person in our mind, we also instantly create expectations and relationships. We create an object that serves a purpose for us. Everything is fine as long as the "image" in our mind matches with the reality. But it only takes a few moments before the other changes and shows some parts of his or her existence that do not fit to our "perfect" picture of the other we had created earlier on. When the illusion is broken, we get angry. We are disappointed or frustrated. Our image of the beautiful life together did not materialize. We had thought it through already (i.e., lived) in our mind and then we just should have had to live according to our predefined plan (i.e., imagination). When this does not happen, we blame the other. We did not expect this. We did not want this or we did not expect this to happen. The other has changed—how unfair! Is there anything or anyone we can rely on or trust anymore on these days!?!

Did we ever know the other? Did we actually have our own needs and illusions and dreams we wanted to fulfil? The other was just an object for those purposes. He or she came into the picture because I needed him or her to fulfil my dreams/needs. Maybe I was lonely, or needed to improve my self-esteem, or I was after wealth or security, wanted to fulfil others' expectations (e.g., relatives) of a socially acceptable life or I wanted to have a beautiful wedding or a family. Maybe I was after happiness because I was unhappy before. Being together was not enough in the first place. The question was not even about the other person. We disappointed ourselves. We failed our own expectations. The other person was just a vehicle for our own needs. Were there any possibilities for a lasting relationship after all—maybe everything went wrong from the first impression (thought)?

Relationships can work out only when we are not expecting anything from the other, ever, and when there is no need to be fulfilled or anything that is lacked. When just being is enough and no expectations are laid out, we can find love and happiness. A true dialogue.