Focus on Life™

Talking with David McMillan about stress and Mondays.

 

 Episode 1 [12:32m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Are you afraid? No, seriously. This is not a joke or a light-hearted issue. Consider a while before answering to yourself. Still not? I don’t believe you. We all are.

Fear is something we rather not deal with. It is an unpleasant visitor and it always means trouble. At least we feel cumbersome and would like to switch to something more joyous. And actually this is exactly the problem. We do not handle and cope our fears. We bury them deep and would not want to see them anymore. Unfortunately out of sight does not mean out of our mind. Fears run deep in us. Are you getting scared? It is so easy to stop reading…

Fears are a very fundamental issue. They come with many disguises and appearances. Most of them we do not recognise even if they would say hello to us. Physical fears are the most obvious. We are afraid for our physical existence, no matter whether we are talking about our sovereign, health or appearance related issues. These can be experienced in many ways. We are uneasy with our own body and feel weak or insecure. We do not rely on it. We are afraid that it might fail or stop supporting us. In many cases this can be seen outright from us. Our posture and expressions indicate weakness or hesitation. More subtle forms limit our life by avoidance; we actively stay away from situations or circumstances that can expose our inherent limitations. Who likes to face ones shortcomings and weak points? Nobody. But are you aware that you might limit your life by fears even without acknowledging it?

Many of the fears that reside in us are learned. We have absorbed them from our childhood and the environment surrounding us. They are so autonomous and subconscious that we do not even realise that they exist — we solely act based on them. Those embarrassing moments in the childhood, when we were the laughing stock, are still having control over us. We might not even remember the incident, which can look more or less ridiculous now, but we are certainly still avoiding similar situations or possible consequences. Are you sure that you don’t possess any Pavlovian reactions (e.g. checking the keys after locking the door)?

Fears can also prevent us from acting. We are afraid of the results of some performance and thus do not perform at all or are not doing it 100 percent. All these are creating discomfort and unpleasantness since deep inside we know that we should be doing this totally and wholehearted. We are not exposing and giving everything we have. We are holding back — even just a little. And why? In many cases we are not afraid to perform but to fail. The idea of failing, and admitting it to oneself and letting others to see it, is the trigger. We are so afraid of failing that it prevents us even from succeeding. And we cannot succeed without being vulnerable to a possible failure. Top athletes face this often. They have to overcome their own mind before they can truly be successful. They have to forgive themselves beforehand in case they are not achieving the desired outcome. The difference is that they have dealt with the issue and don’t regard a poor performance as a personal failure. It was just an incident – nothing more. Or they just have to admit that they are not in the optimal condition but it is never an issue of a personal failure (i.e. judgement).

A fear of loosing something can be very tricky issue to deal with. We might be afraid of so greatly that we can go to great lengths to prevent the possibility of loosing something from materialising. If this goes on for a while we might not even remember what it was that we opposed or hold back for. Fighting and keeping the preferred status que have become more important than the original idea about the fear. It might even be that the fear bears no relevance whatsoever considered the current circumstances, if we just would stop for a while and re-evaluate the situation. We fixate to our fears.

How to get rid of these limitations? First you have to recognise and realise that you have them. Often this requires the most bravery since facing an old avoided friend is never pleasant. The rest is usually easier but not always. Admitting that I have this fear is a victory in itself but it does not make it to go away. One has to be able to observe, look, and evaluate the fear. Where does it come from? What is it exactly that I am afraid of? What are the consequences of the objects of the fear? What is the worst-case scenario and can I live with it? Often the fear disappears just by looking at it. Mentally opening up the fear into its basic components makes it to disappear. One realises that after all the fear was based on assumptions and wrong beliefs altogether! And I was just afraid of the fear itself — not its object. Is there anything else to fear than the fear itself?

Our greatest excuse is time. Either we do not have enough of
it or we have too much of it. Still, we can only live now, for-
ever. Future is only an illusion we project based on our experi-
ences and understanding. Past is a regenerated memory and
experience collection we re-produce according to our current
understanding and point of view. All this can only happen
right now. And still they are all only pure image forms—
nothing else.

We continuously fool ourselves. We play this game by say-
ing to ourselves that we will do this or that and gain or
progress in a specific manner in the future. But all this is done
in a way that implicitly says we are currently lacking some-
thing and will do the hard part later. Time is our excuse: “I
need time to develop/study and so on.” This would be fine if
we really would deliver on what we promised. Unfortunately,
we often change our mind along the process. It is more
important (i.e., easier) to be in the constant mode of changing
than actually achieving or being.

We escape the current moment almost all the time. We are
not happy about how we are at the moment and, therefore, we
like to comfort ourselves by saying that this is not the real me
but wait an X amount of time, and I will be this. This game is
endless. Either we crave the past or envision an imaginary
dream world of the future.

When do we have time to actually be? Being requires that
we also see and hear in the moment. It requires unbiased,
objective observation and facing reality as it is, right now. No
bias toward the past or the future—only the bare truth. Have
you ever realized who you really are or appear to be?

Our belief structures define who we are and how we interpret
the world. They are our point of view and allow us to view the
world through rose-colored glasses. We adjust the external
world according to our beliefs. Beliefs are our world, and they
are us. Hence they are very powerful and have a great impact
on us.

When we interact with other people, we interact with their
belief structures. If these beliefs are aligned, we feel under-
stood and the interaction is a very pleasant experience. On the
other hand, if others’ beliefs do not fit into our world, they
can threaten or distress us.

We stick to our beliefs. We lock into our bunkers, and try
to keep the base safe as long as possible. This is very impor-
tant because otherwise we are bound to change our under-
standing of our existence, which often means giving up
something and adjusting our life accordingly. We have a huge
intolerance for change and uncertainty. Questioning our con-
ventional ways of categorizing and seeing the world imposes
an immediate threat for who we believe we are and how the
world is constructed according to our understanding.

Until we give up believing and creating thought structures,
we are tied up and imprisoned by them. They bound limits to
our lives and prevent us from experiencing the external world
without filters and mental handicaps.

When are we very positively surprised and overwhelmed?
When something out of the ordinary and unexpected hap-
pens, something we have not thought about—something
fresh and new to us. This happens outside of our (previous)
experience and knowledge, and it makes us happy and joyful.
We would love to be more spontaneous, but it is so hard and
difficult. Why?

We love to plan things. It is great to think ahead and imag-
ine the details and occasions we want to accomplish and live
by. Planning is something we do naturally. Most of it is done
purely for practical reasons and for everyday routines. We
need to schedule and arrange our life in a way so we can take
care of our obligations and duties. Worrying is a special type
of planning—it concentrates on the negative issues and their
potential occurrences. We are not actually “planning” for an
occurrence, but being afraid and speculating about all the pos-
sible outcomes and issues that could happen. A positive type
of planning is dreaming. We dream about great things that we
would like to achieve and gain, moments and experiences that
we think would make us happy. Nevertheless, all of this is just
our mind game. Some of it is practical and necessary, but
most of it is a total waste of energy and effort. Actually, it can
prevent us from experiencing more and greater things than
we are ever capable of dreaming (or planning) about.

Our plans are derived from our experience and knowledge.
They project the future as we can imagine it. This makes the
future predictable and “ordinary” for us. We can imagine it
and dream about it—live it in our mind beforehand. It cannot
include anything that we cannot know about. Certainly it has
nothing to do with the reality. We have no means to plan the
future. Still, planning often makes our life “boring.” And it
makes it feel like every day is the same and repeats the same
patterns over and over again. No day is any different, and
nothing new happens. Sound familiar?

When we plan things, we are preparing to live according to
our plan, which means that we are not open for the moment
or anything new. We live according to our already thought
through plan, merely executing and implementing that plan.
Like robots that “think” what happens next and follow the
preprogrammed plan, we do not actually live in the moment.
This makes life boring and predictable. We “hypnotize” and
make ourselves believe our plan, and then we see and hear
what we want to hear and see—according to our own manu-
script—we create a catch-22. How can we experience some-
thing new if we always live according to our existing
knowledge?

Sometimes we run into an interesting person or do some-
thing crazy. These are the times when we live in the moment.
We are not planning but experiencing and letting life carry us
forward. Life offers us many great surprises and opportunities
every day, but we have to be awake and ready to acknowledge
them. Often we appear too busy or occupied to carry out the
daily activities we have planned and expected to accomplish
everything. But it is too scary not to plan. It implicitly tells us
that we might not be in control, something we prefer not to
experience. We would rather plan and know what to expect. It
is safer this way, even though often our mind creates the mis-
ery and sadness because we are too afraid to welcome some-
thing new. It is the unknown we are so scared of, that which
we cannot plan for or know beforehand.

This is the great step we have to take. Once we make it
over the threshold, we realize that all the worrying was for
nothing. Life actually becomes more interesting and exciting
when we are open for the opportunities. Plans are unneces-
sary because life often turns out differently than how we had
imagined it. Being free and living in the moment give us a
tremendous amount of energy to experience and observe
because we are not tied up in planning for the future. Reality
is an even better planner than we are; it is the only thing that
can give us positive surprises. We cannot plan our own joy
and happiness—and we are even less capable of planning to
surprise ourselves! Plan less and experience more. Is that a
plan?

We claim to be so busy. What does it really mean, and is it
actually possible?

Being busy means that we are occupied at the moment.
Therefore, we are intensively carrying out the task at hand
and focusing our undivided attention to accomplish this task.
If we really are occupied and in a hurry, we need to concen-
trate and get rid of the tasks one at a time in order to move to
the next one. A metaphor from the computer world would be
a processor who is either idle or busy, never in between.

In ordinary language, our busyness (any relation to busi-
ness?) means something else. We mean that we should do or
achieve a lot of things in a certain time period. Most of the
time, however, we are not actually occupied in a way that
requires our undivided concentration and attention. Our
busyness has nothing to do with achieving and accomplishing
things. We simply mean that there is something in the future
we would prefer to be doing than what we are doing at that
particular moment. For instance, we have been occupied in a
meeting and now we are headed to the next task. We get stuck
in traffic, but we are not occupied by the traffic because our
mind is urging us to jump ahead and skip this unproductive
moment. Being in traffic is something we would rather not
do—we would much rather be accomplishing the next task.
This is how we are kept “busy.” Similarly, when we are finally
taking care of the next task, we are often not occupied here
either, but thinking about yet another task on our list.

Busyness is our own creation. It has nothing to do with the
real world and actual accomplishment and achievement.
Busyness simply consumes our time and makes us worry
about the future. We trade the current moment for something
we have no influence and control over—the unknown future.

We ignore the now time and, above all, get stressed over
something we can, at that moment, do nothing about. “Being
busy” does not help speed up the traffic while we drive to
another meeting or fast forward the current appointment if
we would prefer to be at the next occasion. Paradoxically,
when we are really accomplishing something that requires our
attention, we cannot be busy—we have no time to think
about “being busy”—we just carry out the task. Therefore, we
should forget the whole concept of busyness and focus on just
doing the things we have at hand.

Looking at our daily life from the outset, we are not really
occupied. Most of our time goes to moving from one place to
another or physically doing something—seldom is our full
and undivided attention required to do something. We actu-
ally have plenty of time to enjoy the moment and observe the
world around us. Stop being busy and occupy yourself for the
actual moment—you might even learn something new.
Busyness directs our attention to the future, which is just an
illusion created by us—it’s not real since we can only live in
the moment. And you are not busy if you have time to think
about being busy.

Our life is hectic. Even more, our mind is restlessly moving.
Our inner state is often noticeable for outsiders as well. When
we are nervous or have difficulty being calm, this is reflected
in our behavior. We move around, change position, look
around, do our typical gestures, or otherwise keep in motion.
All of these are just reflections of our inner perpetual mover—
our mind. In other words, we have a very short concentration
span. Therefore, thinking is also very difficult. It requires us to
focus on one particular aspect and keep our mind fixed on the
item we are processing.

Concentration can be taught. We can train our mind to
become more controllable and under our will. Better concen-
tration enables us to perform our daily life better, thus helping
us to learn better and faster. We can observe, analyze, and per-
ceive more clearly. Being able to focus on one thing at a time
means that our effort can be directed to the very item we are
dealing with and all our capacity is dedicated to the task at
hand. Reading a book or listening to a lecture is easier if we
are not distracted by other thoughts or surrounding stimuli. A
distracted mind can be compared to a light bulb. It radiates in
all directions and, therefore, loses its illuminative power,
thanks to a lack of focus. A concentrated mind is like a laser
beam; it is very precise and powerful.

Clear and precise thoughts require a concentrated mind.
Good speech or articulation is based on focused effort and
well-prepared concepts. Concentration helps us communicate
and be better understood. But how do we accomplish it?
We need practice. And even more patience. One cannot
become masters overnight. Our mind requires continuous
exercise and training. This can be done at various levels, but
the good thing is that almost no matter what we do we can
turn it into a concentration practice. An easy start is to stop
doing many things at once. Turn off the radio if you’re writing
or checking your e-mail. Or listen to the radio, but don’t do
anything else—perform only one task at a time.

Training our memory is as important as improving our
concentration. Our mind and concentration are interlinked.
Stop making shopping lists and use your memory instead.
Also, when you catch your mind wandering from the topic
you’re thinking about, try to trace back your route to discover
how you got distracted. Acknowledge at every moment what
you’re doing. If you are walking or driving, concentrate on
doing this task. Gradually, you will become better and more
concentrated without an effort. By fragmenting our concen-
tration, we do many things poorly. Top artists and athletes
need total concentration to be successful—and they practice a
lot. Why shouldn’t we?

We are used to living in the world of instant action and
response. Each generation claims that the current speed and
flow of information is almost too much to bear. The stress we
feel, which is imposed by our society, the closest ones, and our
working life, is almost too much to handle. So what is all this
fuss about? Who’s in a hurry and why?

We feel anxious when things seem to move too fast for us.
We are not focused and cannot exactly draw the full picture.
This is something very personal and subjective. Air traffic
controllers have a different meaning of stress than kinder-
garten teachers and extreme sports base jumpers have. What
is common to everyone is that the external activity level and
the inner state of patience and calmness are totally different
issues. When we are feeling comfortable, we can achieve a lot
without any distress.

With experience and practice, our comfort zone extends.
We learn to separate our physical existence from our inner state
of being. With time, we start to feel less concerned about the
circumstances and even new situations facing us. No matter
how fast the pace or strange the situation, it should not affect
our inner being. Those are just issues to deal with—no big deal.

We start to perceive life with patience. Everything has its
time and place. For some activities we get involved, and for
others we do not; sometimes our presence is required for an
activity, and for some activities our presence is not necessary.
Our time will come if we need the experience or the capabil-
ity. Our life gives us what we deserve, but we are often just too
impatient to wait for it. We get anxious and start to act on our
own. And then we are confused. Things get out of our control
and beyond our reach. At this point, we need even more
patience.

Why do we fear everything that is unfamiliar to us (or, to put
it differently, why are we uncomfortable with something
new?)? Actually, how is it possible to fear something that is
not known to us (i.e., understandable, defined, strange)?

We do not. We are only afraid of the things we know and
have—we have nothing against the unknown. We simply are
afraid of letting go of the past—afraid of the idea that we might
have to part from the current state of affairs (i.e., possessions,
friends, job, lifestyle, way of living, our point of view, etc.).

How do we stop fearing or getting angry? By letting go.
When you give away—there is nothing left. No fear. That’s
freedom, eternal happiness.

We are not afraid of the fear—only the concept (i.e., idea)
of the fear itself.