Focus on Life™

Are you afraid? No, seriously. This is not a joke or a light-hearted issue. Consider a while before answering to yourself. Still not? I don’t believe you. We all are.

Fear is something we rather not deal with. It is an unpleasant visitor and it always means trouble. At least we feel cumbersome and would like to switch to something more joyous. And actually this is exactly the problem. We do not handle and cope our fears. We bury them deep and would not want to see them anymore. Unfortunately out of sight does not mean out of our mind. Fears run deep in us. Are you getting scared? It is so easy to stop reading…

Fears are a very fundamental issue. They come with many disguises and appearances. Most of them we do not recognise even if they would say hello to us. Physical fears are the most obvious. We are afraid for our physical existence, no matter whether we are talking about our sovereign, health or appearance related issues. These can be experienced in many ways. We are uneasy with our own body and feel weak or insecure. We do not rely on it. We are afraid that it might fail or stop supporting us. In many cases this can be seen outright from us. Our posture and expressions indicate weakness or hesitation. More subtle forms limit our life by avoidance; we actively stay away from situations or circumstances that can expose our inherent limitations. Who likes to face ones shortcomings and weak points? Nobody. But are you aware that you might limit your life by fears even without acknowledging it?

Many of the fears that reside in us are learned. We have absorbed them from our childhood and the environment surrounding us. They are so autonomous and subconscious that we do not even realise that they exist — we solely act based on them. Those embarrassing moments in the childhood, when we were the laughing stock, are still having control over us. We might not even remember the incident, which can look more or less ridiculous now, but we are certainly still avoiding similar situations or possible consequences. Are you sure that you don’t possess any Pavlovian reactions (e.g. checking the keys after locking the door)?

Fears can also prevent us from acting. We are afraid of the results of some performance and thus do not perform at all or are not doing it 100 percent. All these are creating discomfort and unpleasantness since deep inside we know that we should be doing this totally and wholehearted. We are not exposing and giving everything we have. We are holding back — even just a little. And why? In many cases we are not afraid to perform but to fail. The idea of failing, and admitting it to oneself and letting others to see it, is the trigger. We are so afraid of failing that it prevents us even from succeeding. And we cannot succeed without being vulnerable to a possible failure. Top athletes face this often. They have to overcome their own mind before they can truly be successful. They have to forgive themselves beforehand in case they are not achieving the desired outcome. The difference is that they have dealt with the issue and don’t regard a poor performance as a personal failure. It was just an incident – nothing more. Or they just have to admit that they are not in the optimal condition but it is never an issue of a personal failure (i.e. judgement).

A fear of loosing something can be very tricky issue to deal with. We might be afraid of so greatly that we can go to great lengths to prevent the possibility of loosing something from materialising. If this goes on for a while we might not even remember what it was that we opposed or hold back for. Fighting and keeping the preferred status que have become more important than the original idea about the fear. It might even be that the fear bears no relevance whatsoever considered the current circumstances, if we just would stop for a while and re-evaluate the situation. We fixate to our fears.

How to get rid of these limitations? First you have to recognise and realise that you have them. Often this requires the most bravery since facing an old avoided friend is never pleasant. The rest is usually easier but not always. Admitting that I have this fear is a victory in itself but it does not make it to go away. One has to be able to observe, look, and evaluate the fear. Where does it come from? What is it exactly that I am afraid of? What are the consequences of the objects of the fear? What is the worst-case scenario and can I live with it? Often the fear disappears just by looking at it. Mentally opening up the fear into its basic components makes it to disappear. One realises that after all the fear was based on assumptions and wrong beliefs altogether! And I was just afraid of the fear itself — not its object. Is there anything else to fear than the fear itself?

When you are angry ask yourself: Who is angry?

When you are disappointed ask yourself: Who is disap-
pointed?

When you are in need of something ask yourself: Who
needs?

When you are sad ask yourself: Who is sad?

Why is it that it is always the external world that is to be
blamed? And yet, all of your answers start with I (with a cap-
ital letter). Who is this I (who is angry, disappointed, in need,
and sad)?

This mysterious I interacts with the world but still takes
no responsibility for his or her actions. Why does this I always
projects the reasons for hardship and excuses on the external
world? Interaction requires at least two parties.

How about sorting out things with this I first and dealing
with the world later?

Every one of us is here alone (but not necessarily lonely). We
live among other people and yet all the great challenges of life
we have to face alone. Our friends and people we keep close
can support and give us the courage we need in our journey.
Circumstances often take us on some rough rides but the
greatest lessons are given to us by other people. Our life is
about relationships with people. Some are strangers and just
visitors in our lives and some are here to stay longer with us.

Our life is about learning new sides to and issues about
ourselves. The things in our lives are purely about us. The
people we meet, the situations we face—they are not coinci-
dences or pure chance. They have a meaning for us and help
us to get to know ourselves better. Still, it is up to us to do the
work and learn the lessons. Often we are ignorant and seem
to repeat the same patterns. We realize this when similar
kinds of things happen to us. For example, we might get
involved with the same type of people all the time—and they
get us into trouble. Or we seem to struggle with our bosses in
each and every new job we have. These things will happen to
us until we acknowledge the pattern and learn from our
behavior and actions. Then we are up to new challenges.

Other people play an important role in our lives. They are
the mirrors for us. They interact with us and give us the test
bed for getting to know our different sides and even hidden
talents and emotions. People, through their behavior and
actions, show us who we really are—and it should not be any
big surprise that often we are the last people to see the reality.
Just check with your closest friends—they may describe your
other side if you only let them.

We get angry and frustrated with other people easily. They
are the ones to blame. Why are we agitated? Why should
their behavior concern us? Other people’s problems or bad
behavior are not our problem. So there is no reason to get
emotional. Unless there is something in us that knows that
they have revealed or awakened some hidden issues in us,
such as ego, selfishness, laziness, greed for power, hypocrisy,
and so on. Naturally we do not like to be reminded of those
darker sides of us. We cannot stand it, and we blame others.
As long as we have these issues with ourselves, we will need
other people because we are not voluntarily working with
ourselves.

Therefore, each human interaction and moment in our life
is a new opportunity for us: to learn more about ourselves and
become better human beings. Every person you meet is most
of all teaching you about yourself. You only have to be humble
and open-minded to realize the messages. Remember to
thank the people around you. You don’t have to say any-
thing—just smile and love your neighbor. He or she is your
greatest teacher.

Why is it so easy to see the faults in others and be blind to our own? Often we jump to conclusions and judge other people on the outset. The fact is that we do similar or different mistakes in our life everyday—often we just do not recognise them.

The faults of others are an excellent mirror for ourself. By seeing the behaviour and actions of others we can learn from their deeds and correct our own behaviour in return. In addition we can be reminded of the shortcomings we have already been overcome by noticing the same issues in other people. This should make us humble and kindly acknowledge us that we are not perfect either. Everybody has their own shortcomings and they do their own choices and bear the consequences as well. We can do our part but we should not try to judge or intervene to their choices. Even less we should get provoked or irritated. This definitely do not help the others to realise that there might be something to improve in their actions. Everyone is a mirror for everybody else and therefore each human interaction is an outstanding opportunity to learn from the other, and upmost learn about ourself.

Like it’s said we are our worst enemy. To be more specific - it’s the truth. The truth about ourselves. We cannot stand it. This applies to people, states, governments, organisations and ideologies.

Through out the history people have been killed for their point of views. No matter whether it has been Socrates, inquisitions in the Middle Ages or today’s policital prisoners or limitations to the freedom of speech.

Everyone of us is continously doing something we do not like ourself. Most of the times we just ignore those parts of ourselves or simply do not see them. At least we actively try to hide or forget our not so perfect actions, deeds, thoughts or sayings. We get irritated and angry when the truth comes out. But we do not get angry to ourselves. We get angry to those who remind us about the truth. Test yourself next time someone is getting your blood level rising. Who would get angry of something that is not true?

Why do we fear everything that is unfamiliar to us (or, to put
it differently, why are we uncomfortable with something
new?)? Actually, how is it possible to fear something that is
not known to us (i.e., understandable, defined, strange)?

We do not. We are only afraid of the things we know and
have—we have nothing against the unknown. We simply are
afraid of letting go of the past—afraid of the idea that we might
have to part from the current state of affairs (i.e., possessions,
friends, job, lifestyle, way of living, our point of view, etc.).

How do we stop fearing or getting angry? By letting go.
When you give away—there is nothing left. No fear. That’s
freedom, eternal happiness.

We are not afraid of the fear—only the concept (i.e., idea)
of the fear itself.