Focus on Life™

We are all after happiness but seldom find it but only for a few glances or passing moments. Most of the time we are seeking to gain it via different things, people, or situations. We try to reproduce the moments and experiences we already had or we are just randomly trying to imitate someone else’s life with their choices. And all these methods fail to provide us anything but suffering and continuous seeking of happiness—they all are external to us.

Happiness is a state of mind that is independent of the circumstances or our surroundings. It is our natural state of being that we have learned to ignore while growing up. We have substituted the internal happiness for objects and desires external to us. They are conditional and related to some activities or specific points in time. What is common to all of these is that they are not present right now. They are projected to the future. This type of happiness is something that you’re always waiting for. Your constant mode is to achieve and ‘earn’ your happiness by actions or circumstances. In other words you are living in illusions filled by your expectations. Disappointments are a frequent visitor when you are dealing with your future projections based on your expected outcomes of the future situations or events. How much in control of your life you really are?

This ‘when..then’ -type of conditioning is very convincing but it is not really living. It’s about building dream castles and denying the moment. You are saying that I’m not happy right now and I’m substituting this moment for another one in the future. You are after the carrot that is always attached to the current moment—the stick stays in the future with the appealing prize as well. This takes many forms. We may prefer to work overtime and then compensate it back in the holidays. Or we are accumulating substantial wealth that we are hoping to spend after retirement. How can you enjoy your life later if you cannot do it now?

Happiness is not a destination—it is a journey. If you are not comfortable being in the journey you are suffering in the destination as well. Life is about experiencing and enjoying every moment you have. It requires that you are comfortable with uncertainty and change. We can only be happy when we have learned to accept the things that we cannot change and regard every passing moment as a gift that has some valuable lessons and experiences to give us. Only when being is enough you can be happy. As long as you need to achieve or become you are not going to find happiness. Life is about change and being in the moment—exploring the unknown.

We like to have our freedom. It is great and fun to explore and extend our boundaries. We love to take the credit for our actions, but only selectively. Positive consequences are naturally ours to claim but what about the not so desired effects?

Freedom and responsibility go hand-in-hand—the greater the freedom the greater the responsibility as well. Our current society does not encourage personal freedom. In practice we are sanctioned, monitored, and restrained in almost all aspects of life. We have learned to behave obediently and not to question the behaviour patterns or norms of the society. Like Goethe once said: “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”

We have created an artificial layer that is expected to protect individuals from harms and consequences of their personal actions. This has created a culture where people have become accustomed (or learned) to be passive and not to take action themselves. We expect someone else to tell us what to do or help us out of our own problems. This has come so far that we even regard we have the right and the others’ the moral obligation to unilaterally support us. We have isolated ourselves from the effects of our actions.

Our personal initiatives and responsibility are very limited, but so is our freedom as well. We have given up our rights in order to gain something for nothing. We prefer to have it easy and let others to bear the consequences for us. Unfortunately this is a zero-sum game in an aggregate level and as a result everybody is worse off. There are no free lunches—there is always someone paying the bill.

Isolating individuals from their actions’ consequences is a double-edged sword. It creates an illusion of safety and protection but at the same time it removes the control from the very person. And this creates uncertainty, fear, and self-esteem issues among others. Simply we do not feel anymore that the life is in our own hands: we are on top of the issues and have the solutions available for us. Confidence and security build from experience and the knowledge that we have the tools and the means to cope with our circumstances.

It requires practice and experience to become good at something. This means that we have learned something by experimenting and sometimes even making wrong choices that have guided us to do something differently in the future. In other words we have the motivation to keep going and get better. All this requires responsibility. Responsibility is the feedback mechanism that shows us how we are performing and the results of our pursuits. Mastery is only possible for those who are aware of their actions and their consequences.

Look around you—how much responsibility are we taking for our actions?

Are you afraid? No, seriously. This is not a joke or a light-hearted issue. Consider a while before answering to yourself. Still not? I don’t believe you. We all are.

Fear is something we rather not deal with. It is an unpleasant visitor and it always means trouble. At least we feel cumbersome and would like to switch to something more joyous. And actually this is exactly the problem. We do not handle and cope our fears. We bury them deep and would not want to see them anymore. Unfortunately out of sight does not mean out of our mind. Fears run deep in us. Are you getting scared? It is so easy to stop reading…

Fears are a very fundamental issue. They come with many disguises and appearances. Most of them we do not recognise even if they would say hello to us. Physical fears are the most obvious. We are afraid for our physical existence, no matter whether we are talking about our sovereign, health or appearance related issues. These can be experienced in many ways. We are uneasy with our own body and feel weak or insecure. We do not rely on it. We are afraid that it might fail or stop supporting us. In many cases this can be seen outright from us. Our posture and expressions indicate weakness or hesitation. More subtle forms limit our life by avoidance; we actively stay away from situations or circumstances that can expose our inherent limitations. Who likes to face ones shortcomings and weak points? Nobody. But are you aware that you might limit your life by fears even without acknowledging it?

Many of the fears that reside in us are learned. We have absorbed them from our childhood and the environment surrounding us. They are so autonomous and subconscious that we do not even realise that they exist — we solely act based on them. Those embarrassing moments in the childhood, when we were the laughing stock, are still having control over us. We might not even remember the incident, which can look more or less ridiculous now, but we are certainly still avoiding similar situations or possible consequences. Are you sure that you don’t possess any Pavlovian reactions (e.g. checking the keys after locking the door)?

Fears can also prevent us from acting. We are afraid of the results of some performance and thus do not perform at all or are not doing it 100 percent. All these are creating discomfort and unpleasantness since deep inside we know that we should be doing this totally and wholehearted. We are not exposing and giving everything we have. We are holding back — even just a little. And why? In many cases we are not afraid to perform but to fail. The idea of failing, and admitting it to oneself and letting others to see it, is the trigger. We are so afraid of failing that it prevents us even from succeeding. And we cannot succeed without being vulnerable to a possible failure. Top athletes face this often. They have to overcome their own mind before they can truly be successful. They have to forgive themselves beforehand in case they are not achieving the desired outcome. The difference is that they have dealt with the issue and don’t regard a poor performance as a personal failure. It was just an incident – nothing more. Or they just have to admit that they are not in the optimal condition but it is never an issue of a personal failure (i.e. judgement).

A fear of loosing something can be very tricky issue to deal with. We might be afraid of so greatly that we can go to great lengths to prevent the possibility of loosing something from materialising. If this goes on for a while we might not even remember what it was that we opposed or hold back for. Fighting and keeping the preferred status que have become more important than the original idea about the fear. It might even be that the fear bears no relevance whatsoever considered the current circumstances, if we just would stop for a while and re-evaluate the situation. We fixate to our fears.

How to get rid of these limitations? First you have to recognise and realise that you have them. Often this requires the most bravery since facing an old avoided friend is never pleasant. The rest is usually easier but not always. Admitting that I have this fear is a victory in itself but it does not make it to go away. One has to be able to observe, look, and evaluate the fear. Where does it come from? What is it exactly that I am afraid of? What are the consequences of the objects of the fear? What is the worst-case scenario and can I live with it? Often the fear disappears just by looking at it. Mentally opening up the fear into its basic components makes it to disappear. One realises that after all the fear was based on assumptions and wrong beliefs altogether! And I was just afraid of the fear itself — not its object. Is there anything else to fear than the fear itself?

Our belief structures define who we are and how we interpret
the world. They are our point of view and allow us to view the
world through rose-colored glasses. We adjust the external
world according to our beliefs. Beliefs are our world, and they
are us. Hence they are very powerful and have a great impact
on us.

When we interact with other people, we interact with their
belief structures. If these beliefs are aligned, we feel under-
stood and the interaction is a very pleasant experience. On the
other hand, if others’ beliefs do not fit into our world, they
can threaten or distress us.

We stick to our beliefs. We lock into our bunkers, and try
to keep the base safe as long as possible. This is very impor-
tant because otherwise we are bound to change our under-
standing of our existence, which often means giving up
something and adjusting our life accordingly. We have a huge
intolerance for change and uncertainty. Questioning our con-
ventional ways of categorizing and seeing the world imposes
an immediate threat for who we believe we are and how the
world is constructed according to our understanding.

Until we give up believing and creating thought structures,
we are tied up and imprisoned by them. They bound limits to
our lives and prevent us from experiencing the external world
without filters and mental handicaps.

We are in the garbage-creation business. The products and
results are our own creation, and the consequences are observ-
able around the world. Most of the garbage is all in our own
mind. The dumpster in question is not a physical one in its
original form—its derivations can be, however. This huge
dumpster is called our mind. It’s the creator and initiator of all
the garbage. Simply, that is its pure existence and raison
d’être. How does this polluter work?

We live only in the moment—now time. Nothing else is
available to us. Nevertheless, we can do various things with
this now time but still everything happens in the moment.
For example, we can think back through our memories and
reflect on everything that has happened. We can also project
the future and wonder or worry about the next moments.
Still, all of these actions are happening in the moment. Our
sole decision is just how to use every moment. We can either
concentrate on the moment or opt for escaping from the real-
ity, either to our past or into the projected future our mind
creates for us.

There would not be any dumpster if we always live in the
moment. We would take life as it comes and make the neces-
sary decision as is required. Very simple, no worries at all.
Things just happen, and life would be only the issues that
emerge to us, some good and some less desirable—all the
same because we can only take them as they come.

The above is unfortunately not the way we live. We prefer
to be in “control.” Therefore, we have to know what happens
next. Otherwise we could not have this control illusion. How
much control do you have if you cannot predict the future
outcomes? Well, this is exactly the paradox. In practice, we are
not in control, but we believe we are. Our way of living is
based on the trick our mind plays on us. And the results are
the huge dumpster we are dragging behind us.

Our mind knows only what we know. It is limited to its
own boundaries and it is not objective where we are con-
cerned. It cannot exist without us. We produce the mind.
Therefore, it is also the one who creates for us the future—the
illusion of time in the moment. The mind works very simply:
It fabricates the future from our personal experiences and
knowledge. In other words, it extrapolates the past and the
current moment to the future based on its previous knowl-
edge. It’s very logical and nice; it’s also very real and accept-
able to us—after all, it’s a familiar future to us. We have
created it and can understand it. It is easy to accept and fall in
love with. How can we not like our own creation?

Our mind provides us with illusions of the future that we
take for granted and as true to us. These snapshots create dif-
ferent kinds of feelings, emotions, and sensations in us. The
mind projects usually either good or bad outcomes. The previ-
ous we dream about and the latter we are scared of or worried
about. These outcomes cause new feelings, and the snapshots
or pictures start to have existences of their own. They can also
create new outcomes and sensations in us. Often, the outcome
is that we cling to these illusions and feelings that arise in us.
We forget the actual projected route to the future moment and
see only the “prediction of the future. “Now it’s true to us. We
are sure it is going to happen, no doubt about it. It must hap-
pen. How horrible or how wonderful.

This is the moment when we produce the garbage. After
seeing the beautiful outcome we cling to it. This is something
we definitely need or want. Yes, no doubt about it. We are
urged to direct our actions toward this outcome. At the
moment we are not yet there but for us it is possible because it
seems so real for us, thanks to our mind. Now we have two
different points to compare: the current moment and the pro-
jected future outcome. An urge or desire has been aroused in
us. Now we know what we want. This can happen in various
of forms: greed, anger, frustration, jealousy, self-justification,
and so on, depending on our projection and the gap between
the now time and the imagined future. From this point
onward, we live in the moment only in a manner that is
directed and geared toward the outcome we illusioned. In
other words, we have accepted the future our mind projected
and are compromising in our principles and behavior in order
to make sure that the future will happen the way we desired it
to occur.

You still remember how all this started? Our mind fabri-
cated a future for us based on the experiences and knowledge
we have at the moment. It did not have any capabilities to
provide us any directions or predictions of the actual reality
that will emerge. Still, we believed the nice or horrible sce-
nario it provided us with and now we are living like if these
illusions are as sure things as our past memories. The compro-
mised garbage is all the things we produced in our mind and
now desire. These compromise and corrupt our behavior and
actions in the now time. Our mind offered us this great future
picture and catered the table with good reasons and justifica-
tions to make it happen.

We no longer observe the world as it emerges. We observe
and see the world only through the lenses our mind produced
for us. We expect our projections to happen. Disappointments
and regret emerge from the realization that the future
occurred some other way than we expected. We are not in
control. We could have even given up and sacrificed some of
our humble and noble principles in our quest to perceive and
“force” the illusioned reality to happen.

The compromised dumpster accumulates and reminds us,
thanks to our mind. It accumulates these memories and fabri-
cates more future outcomes. More garbage coming in—until
we catch the litter itself and get rid of it, just ignore it totally.
We give up our very mind and start living with mindlessness
in the moment. We take life as it emerges and base our actions
on the reality as it comes. What a fresh and pure existence!

Many times it looks like we live for our worries. They sur-
round us and follow us everywhere we go. There might be a
lot to worry about or just many tiny issues that pile up and
make us uncomfortable. Worries are always subjective and
they also evolve over time. We learn to cope in life and do not
stress about the same things over and over again. Our subjects
of worrying change, but the basic concept remains intact—we
keep constantly stressing about our future and survival.

We build up expectations and then start to stress about
possible future outcomes. What-if scenarios with different
variations fill our mind and we cannot get past the mind’s
loops. Some of these worries may turn into obsessions and
even disturb our sleep and daily activities.

We worry because we cannot imagine anything else that
we are aware of. This means that our limited perception and
knowledge does not allow us to solve the puzzles our mind
has put in front of us to solve. Often, we are going around
with our thoughts that are dependent on factors that are
beyond our control. We desperately would like to know what
happens before the actual reality materializes. We cannot
stand uncertainty. Actually, we are only afraid of the uncer-
tainty. Even knowing what is going to happen, no matter how
bad, is more bearable than the great uncertainty.

We can continue worrying about everything in our life
nonstop. We can never know the future and, therefore, there
are always possibilities to come up with new unknown issues
or situations. This is not necessary, however. We do not need
to stress about life—it’s totally unnecessary. The paradox just
is that we have to realize this first and then we are liberated
from the catch-22. It is the same with most of the important
facts of life—we have to live them true, gain an insight first.
We have to see the pattern that our mind repeats every time.
It identifies some unknown issues and starts to process them.
This way, our mind keeps us busy—after all, our mind exists
only when we think.

The process to stop worrying can be started by gradual
steps: accomplish the small things first and move to bigger
and more significant items later. When we start to realize that
things do get sorted out and worrying really is unnecessary,
we will finally stop worrying altogether. Worrying has a lot to
do with self-confidence and acceptance. We have to know
and trust ourselves. When we are confident that we can han-
dle and manage in life no matter what comes our way, this
inner confidence will guide us and provide us with inner
peace. We stop worrying about other people and their
responses and thoughts about us. Our greatest concern will
then be to act according to our own intuitions and feeling
about what are the right choices and actions in the situations
at hand. As well, we realize that things that are beyond our
control should not be worried about at all—we simply have to
accept them, as they are and without any denial or resistance.
Facing the facts is often the most difficult part. We do not
want to admit the reality, even though we might somehow
realize it. It is just something too painful to accept.

By worrying we lose a lot of energy. Our mind keeps us
occupied and in the negative thoughts that tie us in a destruc-
tive loop. Instead of finding solutions or positive outcomes,
we are trapped in a loop of thoughts that lead nowhere. The
time we use wondering about our possible future we cannot
then use to find and identify new opportunities that may
bypass us in the meanwhile. Often, the very answers we look
for are offered to us but we simply cannot see them—we are
fixed in our thinking patterns and projected outcomes. In
other words, we are too busy worrying and life, and many
good moments and opportunities as well, passes us by.

Those people with great wisdom have always said that we
should stop worrying. Still, we do not believe them. Our life
has taught us that it will give us unpleasant surprises and liv-
ing hurts. We are afraid of the outcomes. Therefore, we con-
stantly try to avoid any imaginable disturbance or negative
incident. Still, these incidents come when we least expect
them—we cannot avoid them. We even die one day—no
matter how much we worry or think about it. Worrying does
not help us to live. Actually, it does not allow us to experience
and enjoy life as it comes, and it keeps us obsessed about some
future incident that potentially can happen or may not hap-
pen at all. The only one who loses in this game is us.
Worrying is time wasted without any positive outcomes
expected—one of the great lessons to learn in life.

We want to be in control. We are not comfortable with
unpredictability. We would prefer to live in a predictable,
ordinary way, without any surprises. This is the underlying
assumption in our behavior.

Predictable, controllable life, however, is an oxymoron. We
hate to change, but on the other hand we long for excitement
and thrills. We want to be positively surprised and experience
something new and unknown. The ordinary life is a routine
we do not like either, and we would prefer to get some excite-
ment, but we want to choose when and the way it occurs—
nothing too extreme and yet still new for us.

Sounds quite complicated? No, it is totally the opposite.
Simply, we are just bored and scared to death. We want to
cling to our perceptions of the world but still get some amuse-
ment when we have had enough of all the sameness. In other
words, we like to live in our own well-thought-out world with
all the nitty-gritty details and relations in nice little boxes and
labels we have defined and predetermined.

Occasionally, we tire of the predetermined perception of
the world and want a peek at the reality. But we do not want
to see too much. It might destroy our sense of security and the
wonderland we have formed in our mind. We are scared and
out of balance when we cannot explain and understand some-
thing new or strange. This is especially the case with negative
issues that happen in our life, whereas positive surprises are
always welcome. We actually would prefer to get them almost
all the time.

I must say that we are quite interesting creatures. We want
to live in our own small sandboxes without any disturbance.
Each person is the king of the hill, as long as he or she does
not have to step down from his or her place on the hill and face
the real world—the great unknown and the stage of all plays.

Seldom can we experience silence by chance anymore.
Walkmans, TVs, radio, traffic, and household appliances keep
us company. There isn’t any moment in a day when we would
feel the silence without active effort. It takes a power blackout
to get us even close to the silence. What is it like, the sound of
silence?

We fill our life with action. Motion is important; destina-
tion and purpose are secondary. This is the case with silence
as well. We regard it as something unnatural. We are afraid of
the silence—the emptiness. It feels like something is missing
or something is not right.

What happens when we are totally silent? By silence I
mean internal silence—our mind is at rest. Naturally it helps
if there are no external noises either. But when we are focused,
the outside voices disappear to the background. Silence is an
opportunity; it is a chance to experience something new. We
can start to hear the sound of silence. By removing all the
motion and noise one sets the mind free for something else to
emerge.

Silence can teach us and let us experience something new.
When we experience it more deeply, we start to realize that
emptiness and silence are not totally without anything.
Actually, they are the opposite. But we have to be open-
minded and humble to experience the sound of silence.

We love to fixate. We are afraid of new, unknown things.
Being novel is maybe the most difficult thing to do. A physi-
cal appearance is easy to observe and, therefore, the most vis-
ible way to see the patterns and changes, if there are any.
Some people never change their hairstyle during their entire
lifetime (and they do not have to be bald).

Leaving appearance aside, thinking and acting original is
more important. We cling to our routines and thinking—we
are lazy about discovering anything new and challenging the
status quo. Thinking and questioning requires effort and
work. It is easier to fall back on the good old habits and ways
of behaving and acting. Unfortunately, this is the way of hurt-
ing oneself as well. By refusing to change, we are bound to
break our routines once in a while. Some people go nuts, and
most of us are just grumping about the extra effort it takes to
adjust to the new situation. We are so attached to the old ways
of living and the history, and we love routines. We prefer to be
boring, predictable, and repetitive machines.

The biggest challenge is to recognize and fight free of all
your routines and patterns—to continuously renew. But even
renewing can become a habit and routine. The trick is to be
fresh and awake every moment, without building any safe
havens.

We like certainty. We would love to live in a world where
things are predictable. Or do we?

Our behavior seems to support the idea of predictable life.
We do not like to change, and we like surprises even less so.
We are comfortable with our ordinary lives and our daily rou-
tines and events. We feel that we are in control of our lives.
We can manage life.

But all this is an illusion. We are only fooling ourselves.
Nothing is the same, ever. We create the static picture in our
mind and refuse to observe the world as it is. And the idea of
being in control lasts as long as anything outside of our com-
fort zone does not happen.

Why is it so difficult to adopt and accept that everything
flows? We use lots of energy to categorize and squeeze our
perception of the world into a frame and into predictable pat-
terns. We create expectations and illusions, which are always
broken. And then we get disappointed. Again and again.

How about accepting the uncomfortable fact that we are
not in control? Just take life as it comes, without any expecta-
tions—humbly. Less sorrow and far fewer surprises.
Everything is new, and nothing is surprising. Every day is an
adventure and brings something new and exciting. No need to
fear anything since uncertainty and change are realized facts of
living, like breathing. One can worry less and concentrate
more on living. One moment at time with a flexible mind.