Focus on Life™

Talking with David McMillan about fear, concentration, and multi-tasking.

 

 Episode 5 [25:11m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Everything happens in the moment. Still we slip away from the awareness of it—many times a second. The mind wonders to the past or longs for the unhappened future but all these are realised in the moment, now.

Most of us are not awake even while not sleeping. The drowsing happens while living the daily life. We live out of our memory and not out of our creativity (imagination) like Les Brown once phrased. Living in the past means that we are repeating ourselves. We reproduce the thoughts, emotions, and actions from our past moments. All this happens over and over again. We are happy to stick with what we already know. Or as the case most of the time is we are swimming in the negative thoughts of fear extrapolating possible future events based on our past experiences.

Drifting away from the moment is nothing more than dreaming. And sadly this state is so heavy that it seems that nothing can create a state of waking up—even for a few split seconds. Fortunately everyone has those moments of being in the moment. Those intense feelings of being truly aware of presence carry a lasting memory print for a long time. Some experience them while doing sports, others by walking in the nature, and even encountering a close-by situation can trigger a heightened awareness.

Bu how to live now? In essence it’s very simple—you just focus on the moment 100%. This means that you do not think about the past or project a future, and keep on being in the moment only one moment at a time. Some call this meditation and indeed your life becomes a continuous mediation. And like any practise persistence makes a master. Don’t except quick wins or fast results. Actually more you expect the less you can be in the moment. Life is not about achieving but experiencing second by second.

The great news is that everybody can only live now. So there is nothing to learn or become—only to realise. The biggest hurdle is to overcome one’s fears. Our past haunts us, and as long as we have not dealt with it we are distracted from the moment. Living in the moment requires that we are in balance—exactly in the middle between the past and the future without any tilting to either direction.

We like to have our freedom. It is great and fun to explore and extend our boundaries. We love to take the credit for our actions, but only selectively. Positive consequences are naturally ours to claim but what about the not so desired effects?

Freedom and responsibility go hand-in-hand—the greater the freedom the greater the responsibility as well. Our current society does not encourage personal freedom. In practice we are sanctioned, monitored, and restrained in almost all aspects of life. We have learned to behave obediently and not to question the behaviour patterns or norms of the society. Like Goethe once said: “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”

We have created an artificial layer that is expected to protect individuals from harms and consequences of their personal actions. This has created a culture where people have become accustomed (or learned) to be passive and not to take action themselves. We expect someone else to tell us what to do or help us out of our own problems. This has come so far that we even regard we have the right and the others’ the moral obligation to unilaterally support us. We have isolated ourselves from the effects of our actions.

Our personal initiatives and responsibility are very limited, but so is our freedom as well. We have given up our rights in order to gain something for nothing. We prefer to have it easy and let others to bear the consequences for us. Unfortunately this is a zero-sum game in an aggregate level and as a result everybody is worse off. There are no free lunches—there is always someone paying the bill.

Isolating individuals from their actions’ consequences is a double-edged sword. It creates an illusion of safety and protection but at the same time it removes the control from the very person. And this creates uncertainty, fear, and self-esteem issues among others. Simply we do not feel anymore that the life is in our own hands: we are on top of the issues and have the solutions available for us. Confidence and security build from experience and the knowledge that we have the tools and the means to cope with our circumstances.

It requires practice and experience to become good at something. This means that we have learned something by experimenting and sometimes even making wrong choices that have guided us to do something differently in the future. In other words we have the motivation to keep going and get better. All this requires responsibility. Responsibility is the feedback mechanism that shows us how we are performing and the results of our pursuits. Mastery is only possible for those who are aware of their actions and their consequences.

Look around you—how much responsibility are we taking for our actions?

Are you afraid? No, seriously. This is not a joke or a light-hearted issue. Consider a while before answering to yourself. Still not? I don’t believe you. We all are.

Fear is something we rather not deal with. It is an unpleasant visitor and it always means trouble. At least we feel cumbersome and would like to switch to something more joyous. And actually this is exactly the problem. We do not handle and cope our fears. We bury them deep and would not want to see them anymore. Unfortunately out of sight does not mean out of our mind. Fears run deep in us. Are you getting scared? It is so easy to stop reading…

Fears are a very fundamental issue. They come with many disguises and appearances. Most of them we do not recognise even if they would say hello to us. Physical fears are the most obvious. We are afraid for our physical existence, no matter whether we are talking about our sovereign, health or appearance related issues. These can be experienced in many ways. We are uneasy with our own body and feel weak or insecure. We do not rely on it. We are afraid that it might fail or stop supporting us. In many cases this can be seen outright from us. Our posture and expressions indicate weakness or hesitation. More subtle forms limit our life by avoidance; we actively stay away from situations or circumstances that can expose our inherent limitations. Who likes to face ones shortcomings and weak points? Nobody. But are you aware that you might limit your life by fears even without acknowledging it?

Many of the fears that reside in us are learned. We have absorbed them from our childhood and the environment surrounding us. They are so autonomous and subconscious that we do not even realise that they exist — we solely act based on them. Those embarrassing moments in the childhood, when we were the laughing stock, are still having control over us. We might not even remember the incident, which can look more or less ridiculous now, but we are certainly still avoiding similar situations or possible consequences. Are you sure that you don’t possess any Pavlovian reactions (e.g. checking the keys after locking the door)?

Fears can also prevent us from acting. We are afraid of the results of some performance and thus do not perform at all or are not doing it 100 percent. All these are creating discomfort and unpleasantness since deep inside we know that we should be doing this totally and wholehearted. We are not exposing and giving everything we have. We are holding back — even just a little. And why? In many cases we are not afraid to perform but to fail. The idea of failing, and admitting it to oneself and letting others to see it, is the trigger. We are so afraid of failing that it prevents us even from succeeding. And we cannot succeed without being vulnerable to a possible failure. Top athletes face this often. They have to overcome their own mind before they can truly be successful. They have to forgive themselves beforehand in case they are not achieving the desired outcome. The difference is that they have dealt with the issue and don’t regard a poor performance as a personal failure. It was just an incident – nothing more. Or they just have to admit that they are not in the optimal condition but it is never an issue of a personal failure (i.e. judgement).

A fear of loosing something can be very tricky issue to deal with. We might be afraid of so greatly that we can go to great lengths to prevent the possibility of loosing something from materialising. If this goes on for a while we might not even remember what it was that we opposed or hold back for. Fighting and keeping the preferred status que have become more important than the original idea about the fear. It might even be that the fear bears no relevance whatsoever considered the current circumstances, if we just would stop for a while and re-evaluate the situation. We fixate to our fears.

How to get rid of these limitations? First you have to recognise and realise that you have them. Often this requires the most bravery since facing an old avoided friend is never pleasant. The rest is usually easier but not always. Admitting that I have this fear is a victory in itself but it does not make it to go away. One has to be able to observe, look, and evaluate the fear. Where does it come from? What is it exactly that I am afraid of? What are the consequences of the objects of the fear? What is the worst-case scenario and can I live with it? Often the fear disappears just by looking at it. Mentally opening up the fear into its basic components makes it to disappear. One realises that after all the fear was based on assumptions and wrong beliefs altogether! And I was just afraid of the fear itself — not its object. Is there anything else to fear than the fear itself?

We are conservative by nature. We tend to enclose ourselves.
Some of the fences we build are physical and more tangible,
while others are more abstract. We want to protect ourselves
from the outside world and its renewal.

External fences are easier to conceive. They have many
faces, from muscle building to creating physical security
measures, all the way to building wealth and monetary riches.
Mental fences are harder to pinpoint and the most difficult
for us to realize. We hide behind our own habits, traditions,
mental and conceptual principles and rules, ways of behavior,
and subconscious patterns. These mental barriers limit our
perception and understanding of the realities of the world.
They filter the outside world for us and give us our sense of
security and control. But by doing so, they also prevent us
from renewing and developing ourselves. Our existence is
based on our self-perception, and the fences are guarding us
from anything that is not known and familiar to us—the
unpleasantness of the external world.

Inner peace derives from an insight and internal knowledge
and confidence. It is a known fact for the one who has real-
ized it and, therefore, it is also a permanent state of being.
One has to reach for and make a persistent effort to gain it,
but when it has been achieved, no effort is necessary—you
just are tranquil. Inner peace or tranquility derives from the notion that one
has realized that there is nothing to be afraid of. Everything is
in order and our existence is pure love. In other words, the
realized knows that everything is as it is meant to be and there
is nothing that we are not expected to experience or face. All
circumstances are meaningful (or meaningless). Nothing can
happen to us that would not serve a purpose and be for our
well-being. Life is love and so are we, as well.

Our confusion and distrust results when we are too afraid
and scared to face life. We do not trust that it would support
us. We have too much to lose and too much at stake. We cling
to the reality we know and the perception we have. We freeze
and hang tight to our mind and our concept of the world
because we do not know anything better. Our illusion of
being in control prevents us from being able to give away.
And without totally letting go, we cannot gain the firsthand
experience and knowledge, the internal realized trust. Until
we have surrendered to life 100 percent, we will live in fear
and mistrust. This is the paradox and the ultimate catch-22.

Nothing comes easily, but to realize the inner certainty and
confidence we do not have to do anything. We already are
everything—we only have to realize. We do not need time
and effort per se—only personal insight is required. It cannot
be faked and it cannot be done halfway only. Either you reach
for your goal or you don’t. The good part is that we get better
and gain confidence while we’re progressing. Regular practice
helps us to intensify our realization and every step of the way
we are getting closer. Inner peace is not about achieving or
gaining anything. Therefore, it cannot be claimed but it is
always waiting for us. We need only be prepared and ready for
it—be humble in front of life.