Focus on Life™

Talking with David McMillan about happiness, circumstances, and expectations.

 

 Pilot Episode [26:46m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

We are all after happiness but seldom find it but only for a few glances or passing moments. Most of the time we are seeking to gain it via different things, people, or situations. We try to reproduce the moments and experiences we already had or we are just randomly trying to imitate someone else’s life with their choices. And all these methods fail to provide us anything but suffering and continuous seeking of happiness—they all are external to us.

Happiness is a state of mind that is independent of the circumstances or our surroundings. It is our natural state of being that we have learned to ignore while growing up. We have substituted the internal happiness for objects and desires external to us. They are conditional and related to some activities or specific points in time. What is common to all of these is that they are not present right now. They are projected to the future. This type of happiness is something that you’re always waiting for. Your constant mode is to achieve and ‘earn’ your happiness by actions or circumstances. In other words you are living in illusions filled by your expectations. Disappointments are a frequent visitor when you are dealing with your future projections based on your expected outcomes of the future situations or events. How much in control of your life you really are?

This ‘when..then’ -type of conditioning is very convincing but it is not really living. It’s about building dream castles and denying the moment. You are saying that I’m not happy right now and I’m substituting this moment for another one in the future. You are after the carrot that is always attached to the current moment—the stick stays in the future with the appealing prize as well. This takes many forms. We may prefer to work overtime and then compensate it back in the holidays. Or we are accumulating substantial wealth that we are hoping to spend after retirement. How can you enjoy your life later if you cannot do it now?

Happiness is not a destination—it is a journey. If you are not comfortable being in the journey you are suffering in the destination as well. Life is about experiencing and enjoying every moment you have. It requires that you are comfortable with uncertainty and change. We can only be happy when we have learned to accept the things that we cannot change and regard every passing moment as a gift that has some valuable lessons and experiences to give us. Only when being is enough you can be happy. As long as you need to achieve or become you are not going to find happiness. Life is about change and being in the moment—exploring the unknown.

Nothing to declare,
nothing to say,
nothing to hear,
nothing to think;

Only silence,
accompanying friend,
no one to miss,
no one to long,
lots of actions,
many memories,
tons of experiences,
nothing to look back for;

Nothing is the same,
everything is the same,
they are not relevant;

Just being,
no expectations,
no demands,
no claims,
no_thing;

From here,
always here,
from one moment,
to another,
observing,
registering,
no time,
just here,
right now;

No sadness,
no joy,
no feelings,
no regrets,
ready to leave,
ready to stay,
already being;

Calm,
relaxed,
smooth,
peaceful,
in harmony;

Empty Nest.

When are we very positively surprised and overwhelmed?
When something out of the ordinary and unexpected hap-
pens, something we have not thought about—something
fresh and new to us. This happens outside of our (previous)
experience and knowledge, and it makes us happy and joyful.
We would love to be more spontaneous, but it is so hard and
difficult. Why?

We love to plan things. It is great to think ahead and imag-
ine the details and occasions we want to accomplish and live
by. Planning is something we do naturally. Most of it is done
purely for practical reasons and for everyday routines. We
need to schedule and arrange our life in a way so we can take
care of our obligations and duties. Worrying is a special type
of planning—it concentrates on the negative issues and their
potential occurrences. We are not actually “planning” for an
occurrence, but being afraid and speculating about all the pos-
sible outcomes and issues that could happen. A positive type
of planning is dreaming. We dream about great things that we
would like to achieve and gain, moments and experiences that
we think would make us happy. Nevertheless, all of this is just
our mind game. Some of it is practical and necessary, but
most of it is a total waste of energy and effort. Actually, it can
prevent us from experiencing more and greater things than
we are ever capable of dreaming (or planning) about.

Our plans are derived from our experience and knowledge.
They project the future as we can imagine it. This makes the
future predictable and “ordinary” for us. We can imagine it
and dream about it—live it in our mind beforehand. It cannot
include anything that we cannot know about. Certainly it has
nothing to do with the reality. We have no means to plan the
future. Still, planning often makes our life “boring.” And it
makes it feel like every day is the same and repeats the same
patterns over and over again. No day is any different, and
nothing new happens. Sound familiar?

When we plan things, we are preparing to live according to
our plan, which means that we are not open for the moment
or anything new. We live according to our already thought
through plan, merely executing and implementing that plan.
Like robots that “think” what happens next and follow the
preprogrammed plan, we do not actually live in the moment.
This makes life boring and predictable. We “hypnotize” and
make ourselves believe our plan, and then we see and hear
what we want to hear and see—according to our own manu-
script—we create a catch-22. How can we experience some-
thing new if we always live according to our existing
knowledge?

Sometimes we run into an interesting person or do some-
thing crazy. These are the times when we live in the moment.
We are not planning but experiencing and letting life carry us
forward. Life offers us many great surprises and opportunities
every day, but we have to be awake and ready to acknowledge
them. Often we appear too busy or occupied to carry out the
daily activities we have planned and expected to accomplish
everything. But it is too scary not to plan. It implicitly tells us
that we might not be in control, something we prefer not to
experience. We would rather plan and know what to expect. It
is safer this way, even though often our mind creates the mis-
ery and sadness because we are too afraid to welcome some-
thing new. It is the unknown we are so scared of, that which
we cannot plan for or know beforehand.

This is the great step we have to take. Once we make it
over the threshold, we realize that all the worrying was for
nothing. Life actually becomes more interesting and exciting
when we are open for the opportunities. Plans are unneces-
sary because life often turns out differently than how we had
imagined it. Being free and living in the moment give us a
tremendous amount of energy to experience and observe
because we are not tied up in planning for the future. Reality
is an even better planner than we are; it is the only thing that
can give us positive surprises. We cannot plan our own joy
and happiness—and we are even less capable of planning to
surprise ourselves! Plan less and experience more. Is that a
plan?

Money is just part of the framework. In itself, it is nothing. It
is only a convention between people. We have created the
concept called money in order to exchange and settle between
various activities and services. It is an enabler, not the purpose
itself.

Another way of defining money is to say that it is energy.
Notes and coins are energy in their physical material sense
because they are formed of atoms. But money can be seen as
energy concentration in another sense as well. Money pres-
ents, directs, facilitates, blocks, and absorbs lots of energy
from us. Sometimes we are tight with money and we are
struggling to collect every penny and cent to have enough to
survive. Collecting and getting money focuses and concen-
trates our mental and physical energy (effort) in the everyday
life, sometimes more, sometimes less. We might desire some-
thing that money enables us to achieve. We work hard and
long in order to collect enough wealth to do something with
it.In other words, we first absorb and accumulate energy and
then release it in some other form. While collecting and get-
ting the required amount of money, we are bound to make
choices and give up something else. We need to focus our
energy to gather money. In this case, money is a manifesta-
tion/representation of our accumulated energy.

Wealth can also demand energy from us. People who have
great amounts of wealth need to look after it. They have to
concentrate their efforts and focus to manage their wealth. It
creates obligations and liabilities. Naturally, it is up to us to
define these and live accordingly. This is especially demand-
ing when we do not understand the true nature of money and
wealth. Money may turn more into a burden than a facilitator.

Money is only what we make of it and how we place our-
selves in relation to it. It is neither a good nor a bad thing. It
is only a tool. The sole responsibility lies with the user of the
money. Do not mix up the means and the objectives. Money
is purely an enabler, nothing else. It does not define who we
are—only what we have. And everything we can ever have or
not have is only part of the framework. The real essence of life
is not about having, but about being. What is important is
what we are in relation to other living beings—not what we
are in relation to material things like money. A wise person is
the one who realizes this.

We are free,
to stay,
or to go;
No one holds,
but us.

We have so much,
to do,
and are so busy to achieve.
We hold tight,
for all we know.

It’s up to us,
when everything is done,
and there is nothing,
more to do,
cling,
or achieve.

We just get enough,
realize,
and undo.
Nothing to learn,
no more to gain,
nothing to achieve,
nothing to lose,
only no thing.

We give up,
let go,
prepare,
for the unknown.

Our life is full of incidents and situations where we are
strongly emotionally attached. These occurrences can have a
significant impact on our behavior. We can feel deeply
involved with something but still have little understanding of
the real drivers and motivation. It is not uncommon that we
even know deep inside that we should act differently than the
way we are acting in practice. Still, there is something in us
that is forcing us to a certain kind of behavior.

Attachment is a sign of fixation and pattern that is deeply
rooted to us. We have a strong standing point in something—
great expectations or emotional affections. These sensations
may not be very logical and sensible to us, but they have a
power to overdrive our cognitive understanding and will.
Some intensive occurrences can make us to feel very confused
and fixed to the current state of being.

Often, we are very hard on ourselves. We expect more
from ourself than we do from others. It is easier to forgive and
give away to other people than forgive ourself. This makes our
life hard and difficult. Our internal contradictions and expec-
tations drive us to hardship and struggle. We blame ourself
and get frustrated when things are not in our control. Strong
emotional feelings are something we have a hard time keep-
ing in control. They can even blind us, causing us to act
against our normal sense and better understanding. Especially
in these cases, it is important to let go and forgive ourself.
Emotional feelings are strong signals of our inner state and,
therefore, should not be missed. We have to take them into
account and overcome them. Our feelings cannot be forced
under our cognitive will. We can only try to understand and
forgive. They are to guide us and let us learn more about our-
selves. Great lessons sometimes require hard methods.
Therefore, forgiveness is very important and necessary. What
we do for others we should also do for ourself—forgive and
start with yourself.

Every one of us is here alone (but not necessarily lonely). We
live among other people and yet all the great challenges of life
we have to face alone. Our friends and people we keep close
can support and give us the courage we need in our journey.
Circumstances often take us on some rough rides but the
greatest lessons are given to us by other people. Our life is
about relationships with people. Some are strangers and just
visitors in our lives and some are here to stay longer with us.

Our life is about learning new sides to and issues about
ourselves. The things in our lives are purely about us. The
people we meet, the situations we face—they are not coinci-
dences or pure chance. They have a meaning for us and help
us to get to know ourselves better. Still, it is up to us to do the
work and learn the lessons. Often we are ignorant and seem
to repeat the same patterns. We realize this when similar
kinds of things happen to us. For example, we might get
involved with the same type of people all the time—and they
get us into trouble. Or we seem to struggle with our bosses in
each and every new job we have. These things will happen to
us until we acknowledge the pattern and learn from our
behavior and actions. Then we are up to new challenges.

Other people play an important role in our lives. They are
the mirrors for us. They interact with us and give us the test
bed for getting to know our different sides and even hidden
talents and emotions. People, through their behavior and
actions, show us who we really are—and it should not be any
big surprise that often we are the last people to see the reality.
Just check with your closest friends—they may describe your
other side if you only let them.

We get angry and frustrated with other people easily. They
are the ones to blame. Why are we agitated? Why should
their behavior concern us? Other people’s problems or bad
behavior are not our problem. So there is no reason to get
emotional. Unless there is something in us that knows that
they have revealed or awakened some hidden issues in us,
such as ego, selfishness, laziness, greed for power, hypocrisy,
and so on. Naturally we do not like to be reminded of those
darker sides of us. We cannot stand it, and we blame others.
As long as we have these issues with ourselves, we will need
other people because we are not voluntarily working with
ourselves.

Therefore, each human interaction and moment in our life
is a new opportunity for us: to learn more about ourselves and
become better human beings. Every person you meet is most
of all teaching you about yourself. You only have to be humble
and open-minded to realize the messages. Remember to
thank the people around you. You don’t have to say any-
thing—just smile and love your neighbor. He or she is your
greatest teacher.

To be,
how we are supposed to be,
believe the way we ought to be,
see what we want to see,
and pretend to be,
the one we have learned to be,
but that’s not me.

So be,
and purely be,
without hesitation,
just be,
but realize to be,
truly,
simply,
be cause,to be.

We often get carried away or overwhelmed by our emotions.
We call this a state of being emotional or sometimes even
irrational. In practice, we mean that we were in a condition
where we were vulnerable to act in a way in which we might
not normally act (i.e., we regret our behavior later on). In
other words, we are stating that we lost control of ourselves;
we were not “we” in the ordinary sense.

Detachment is a state of being where one observes every-
thing from a distance. This means that one is not getting car-
ried away or being emotionally more or less out of control
(i.e., getting angry and so on). Detachment does not mean
that we are passive or not involved in the moment—totally
the opposite. It means that we are capable of being observant
and active in every moment and, therefore, a more precise
perception and behavior in life is possible.

Detachment is not dependent on the situation. It does not
matter whether we are experiencing joyful and happy
moments or sad and unpleasant surprises. Keeping a small
distance from all matters enables us to have broader under-
standing of the issues and circumstances. Our personal ego
and interests cannot block our way. Actually one learns to
identify those, and in time gets rid of any personal selfish
motives. No more big mood swings to the negative or posi-
tive—we can purely experience life as it comes without our
expectations getting in our way. A fresh way of living.